on quitting #codependency

*Before leaving*
Imagining conversations
buying favourite foods, cooking better meals, cleaning house for them
going to events despite being exhausted and sad to not be called boring and blamed for abandoning them or making them feel alone
tempering my opinions and thoughts to avoid put downs and silent treatment / passive aggression
obsessively checking phone
knowing not replying quickly will have negative and punitive repercussions
suffering intense anxiety when they arbitrarily don’t reply, assuming i have done something wrong but not knowing what it is
being too embarrassed to ask friends if they know what i may have done wrong, worried they will label relationship abusive or me as victim
breaking down when insulted or manipulated or falsely accused, then being ignored even when pleading for some conversation or affection or closure in the future, in their own time
being unable to function (pursue study, look for work, meet friends or enjoy meetings) until closure is given
mistaking ‘crumbs’ for hope
constantly feeling like i’m messy, dirty, clumsy
being told to shower after coming home, that the lounge is a mess, rolled eyes when i knock into furniture
treating housework as a way to buy kindness and affirmation
being ignored intellectually
being told my intellectual or political ideas or pursuits are not my own, consequence of spending too much time with other individuals
being told i am ‘part of the problem’ re their own extreme unhappiness
refusing to seek help
refusing to care for me when in crisis but acting like they are my primary carer and therefore entitled to private emotional information and especially my movements/whereabouts
constant checking up when i’m away
constantly ignoring me or being emotionally unavailable when we are physically together
refusing to explain why the above is the case
not admitting it is a pattern
ignoring my unhappiness re patterns and agony re future
telling me we will talk later but not bringing issue up later themselves
knowing i have extreme anxiety wrt lack of closure
acting like i am in the way and encroaching on their energy and time
when i shared a suicidal thought, shutting me out, refusing to be in the same room, telling me i triggered an anxiety attack
punishing me with silent treatment after i reach out to someone else
*Depression *
Sinking into rock bottom levels of self-esteem
Prolonged, daily feelings of hopelessness
Inability to imagine a better future or a future at all
Oscillating between numbness, extreme sadness and being acutely distraught
Normal thought patterns disrupted and replaced by rumination on relationship
Inability to think
unexplained crying at work and home
v low appetite
loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
suicidal ideation
planning suicide
chronic feeling of being not present in the moment
disrupted ability to function in the ‘real’ world
inability to concentrate on academic work or even consider it as of personal importance (in huge contrast to the top priority it held upon enrolment)
feelings of amnesia re past life
overwhelming feelings of being nothing / of no value or potential or achievement
Constantly trying to see situation frm their perspective, to get them to take some responsibility for hurtful or harmful actions, even at risk of being mistreated after
asking for my needs to be met but also silencing myself
self-harming after being psychologically hurt
Not telling friends about abusive episodes because of embarrassment, feelings of personal failure and shame
Checking out of friendships out of fear of abandonment accusations
When I started introducing distance – not sharing my thoughts and plans, I did so because I knew what I would share would be twisted and used against me (logistics only example)
breaking isolation – reaching out to other people
desperately missing them
brutally rejected when attempting to share feelings thoughts desires
Fear they will end it
What if they will use my immigration status to exert control, coerce me into communicating
drastic self harm
substance abuse
alienation from everyone i know
i wanna hit the ground
im so sorry
#suicide #abuse #emotionalabuse #domesticviolence #dissociativeidentitydisorder #dissociation #marriage #suicidal

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