some notes on formal dx

[written Saturday 16/04/16]

Today – 16 April ’16 – I was diagnosed with autism.

After all the obsessive doubting, it is strange to hear Dr Joseph say ‘I think you have the condition, it is quite clear’. 

So many ideas in my head, so many more things to think deeply about.

Police are patrolling the train like dementors among a dispersing crowd of bored, sweaty football fans. I feel no safer, only more on edge. 

My arm hurts from yesterday’s breakdown, when I smashed it into the metal of my bed, to stop myself from screaming and rocking and drooling, crawling on the floor.

I feel like I will be able to try again now. Like I can take an interest in my work again and not hate myself and not ‘compare [my]self to other people’. 

What might it be like, to try and follow or apply that advice?